“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Toldos
1 Kislev 5782/November 5, 2021
Rosh Chodesh Kislev
To be added to
my “Striving Higher” WhatsApp chat with periodic chizuk clips, or
my “Power Parenting” WhatsApp chat with weekly ideas about parenting,
text me at 845-641-5094.
לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל
THE UNBEATEN PATH
When we
moved into our home fourteen years ago, there was a beautiful path comprised of
slabs of bluestone, from our front door to the driveway. Over time, some stones
became loose, and the cement started to crack. It made us nervous every time
guests walked up the path, especially elderly guests.
After
much discussion and weighing of options, we finally had a new path installed a
few weeks ago. The old path was ripped up and replaced with good old concrete.
In
addition, we added a path from the road to our front door. Until now, during
the winter and after rain storms the ground would become slippery and muddy.
The new path is not as aesthetically appealing as the old one, but it looks
quaint and neat. Most importantly, it is safer and more convenient.
There is
a lot of worthy discussion about the painful phenomena of kids who are OTD -
Off The Derech. There is debate about why it happens, what our reaction should
be, and how we can prevent it.
It’s
important to note that it’s referred to as the ‘derech’, the road. Although
roads are very important, providing us with a route to our destination, it is
only the means, not the destination. In addition, not everyone needs to follow
the same derech to get to the ultimate destination.
During
an address delivered at the recent Torah Umesorah convention, Rabbi Gershon
Miller poignantly noted that if we made our derech wider, less children would
go off the derech.
We are
at times guilty of having a very rigid definition of success. My rebbe, Rabbi
Berel Wein, dolefully notes that we must be very careful that our chinuch
system never resemble a Sodom bed. It is well known (Sanhedrin 109b) that in
Sodom every visitor to the city was forced to lie down in the Sodom bed. If the
person was too tall the Sodomites would cut off his legs, and if he was too short,
they would stretch his body. The objective of the cruel procedure was to ensure
that everyone be exactly the same.
If we
try to force our children (and adults) to follow a narrow and rigid
one-size-fits-all derech, then we are guilty of creating a metaphorical Sodom
bed as well.
It is
often those who are off the beaten path and drum to their own beat that have
the most creativity and ambition. But their uniqueness and free-spiritedness
can be unnerving to us because we don’t know how to react to or foster those
talents. We may unwittingly (or wittingly) squelch that uniqueness in trying to
make such children conform to a narrower derech. Aside for the emotional damage
to the child, it will cause the loss of his potential contribution, squelched
in the name of theocratic uniformity.
The
pasuk (Mishlei 3:6) states “In all your ways know Him, and He will straighten
your paths.” Rav Tzadok Hakohain
(Tzidkas Hatzaddik 179) explains that derech refers to the smoothly paved road,
while orach (paths) refer to the side paths that aren’t paved and have
more difficult terrain. The pasuk states that if we seek to be close to Hashem,
not only will He help us find the direct road, but even paths we trotted in the
past that led us in the wrong direction, will be transformed into straight
roads.
There is
no one derech to becoming close to Hashem. In fact, sometimes the path to
success isn’t a road at all. Everyone has to chart their own derech based on
their own strengths and ambitions. The Jewish people and the world generally
vitally need all types of talents and ideas, even, or especially, of the less
conventional.
When a
child struggles in school, whether academically, socially or behaviorally, it
is vital to try to build the child in other ways. Rick Lavoie, a seasoned
educator, notes that school is a child’s job, in the sense that he/she spend
every day for years going there. How would an adult going to work every morning
feeling like a failure handle it?! Developing other hobbies and maintaining a
positive relationship with the child outside of school and school issues is
integral.
Rabbi
Gershon Miller also noted that even when we employ other ideas and modalities
to address the unique needs of our out-of-the-box children, we feel it is “bidieved”,
a plan B. No one can feel truly positive about himself when he feels he is
living a plan B. When Shlomo Hamelech wrote that education must be al
up darko, based on the child’s way, he didn’t mean that such an approach is
bidieved.
At the
end of the day, what matters most is the yiud - the
destination, not the derech. Sometimes the derech must be widened, but other
times it may be necessary to forge a new derech. Either way the derech must be
safe and embracing, a way to help the traveler get to the destination, without
sinking in the muddy mire of self-doubt, unworthiness, or being unwanted.
I
remember seeing a slogan, perhaps from ElAl, “imcha b’chol haderech -
with you the entire way”. That’s a beautiful mantra for parents and educators
to have. If somehow, we can convey to our youths that we are completely with
them along the way, whatever that way entails, they will have the confidence to
remain on the derech or to create a healthy new derech.
Happy
trudging!
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos
R’ Dani and Chani Staum