“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Chayei Sarah
23 MarCheshvan 5782/October 29, 2021
Mevorchim Chodesh Kislev
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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל
GET UP AND COME
I
recently mentioned to a neighbor that I am returning to being a therapist in
private practice, part-time. Instead of wishing me hatzlocho, he launched into
an unsolicited lecture which included all his opinions and grievances about
therapy and therapists. That included complaining that therapists are always
asking how something makes you feel and what’s that like for you. I asked him
how it made him feel when therapists asked him that?
Another
one of the points he made was that therapy is a needlessly dragged out process.
“Why can’t therapists just tell their clients the advice they need to hear and
move on? Why do clients have to come back week after week, often to hear the
therapist rehash the same points?”
I have
learned long ago that when people have an agenda it’s not worth arguing with
them. As someone once said, “I’ve already made up my mind, so don’t mix me up
with the facts!” But the question is a valid one. Why is therapy a process? Why
can’t we just get some advice and live happily ever after?
Most
people seek therapy at a time of personal crises. Things may have become
somewhat unbearable, and the immediate goal is to navigate out of the crises.
But in doing so, it often becomes evident that other personal changes may be
necessary. The challenge with change is that embedded habits are not easily
broken.
All our
behaviors - even negative ones - serve some purpose for us. There’s a reason we
do what we do, even when it impacts us negatively.
Someone
who eats a pint of ice cream every time he has a tough day, may be well aware
that his behavior is unhealthy. Yet, he does it anyway because he is desperate
for a quick boost to assuage his angst and misery.
Similarly,
a parent may spend hours on his/her phone looking at social media or playing
games, all the while ignoring family and responsibilities. Here too, despite
the fact that parent may know his behavior is negative, he continues to do it
anyway because he doesn’t know how else to deal with the stress of his day.
In
addition, a person can be in denial that he has an issue, because he is
subconsciously protecting himself from the shattering of his ego that would
occur if he admitted that he has a problem.
For such
people change will only be possible when they figure out a better alternative
to deal with their stress.
Finally,
and perhaps most significantly, we are creatures of habit. We get used to doing
things a certain way and it’s hard to change.
When
Lot, along with his wife and daughters, were escaping Sodom, they were warned
not to turn around. Lot’s wife didn’t adhere to the warning, and she became a
pillar of salt.
Lot’s
wife turned back, symbolizing that she could not pull herself away from that
life, thereby dooming herself to being stuck in that world.
In
addition, when Hagar sought a wife for her son Yishmael, she returned to her
native Egypt to choose an Egyptian woman. Rashi (21:21) notes that this is a
fulfillment of the idea, “throw a stick in the air and it will fall back on its
root.”
That
quote is poignant for us all. Especially when under pressure, we revert to what
we’ve always done, because it’s always easiest to return to what feels
familiar.
For all
these reasons, creating new habits and routines takes time, conscientious effort,
encouragement and commitment. It is especially imperative to reflect on the
inevitable failures along the way so one can recognize his weaknesses and get
back on the bandwagon.
Every
month on Rosh Chodesh, just before Shemone Esrei someone klapps on the bimah
and announces “ya’aleh v’yavo”, a reminder to insert the special Rosh
Chodesh prayer.[1]
In some shuls the “custom” is for five people to klapp, each louder than the
previous. Then during Shemone Esrei itself, every other person says the words “ya’aleh
v’yavo” out loud, in case you forgot from the last 6 reminders. How does
that make you feel?
The
literal meaning of the words ya’aleh v’yavo is “get up and come”. Rosh
Chodesh is a time of renewal, the beginning of a new month. When I hear the klapp
I try to think of it as a friendly slap on the back, along with the call to
“Get up and come”, to renew my goals and commitments.
At the
beginning of the year, we decide on certain resolutions and positive changes we
want to implement in our lives. We feel that this year is going to be the year!
But we forget that change is a process. Then, when we invariably resort to our
old habits, we think we have failed, and throw in the towel completely.
Rosh
Chodesh is a monthly renewal to “get up and come” back on track. We return to
the starting line, invigorated and recommitted, knowing that it’s a process and
doesn’t happen overnight.
With
such an opportunity, how does that make you feel?
This
week, 27 Cheshvan, marks the yahrtzeit of my Zaydei, Rav Yaakov Meir Kohn z”l -
Rav Yaakov Meir ben Rav Yosef Yitzchak.
My
Zaydei, like all my grandparents, was part of the “ya’aleh v’yavo generation” -
those who were not given any option other than to get up and come in order to
survive.
I am
unable to fathom how he endured all the pain and loss that he suffered in his
life. But even more remarkable is how he was able to remain true to his
upbringing and maintain his love for Torah and people throughout his life.
My
Zaydei was a rav for almost three decades in the famous Slonimer Shul on the
Lower East Side. He was beloved for his wit, warmth, and charisma. He was an
excellent speaker and knew how to connect with people. He was a disciple of
some of the great Torah giants of his time and was himself a talmid chochom of
note.
But for
me, he and my Bubby remain a link to a generation of heroes, of those who
rebuilt from the ashes. They too could not afford to look back as they escaped destruction
and had no prerogative but to get up and come. Yet somehow, they did and somehow,
they renewed their lives and built families.
Our
challenge to “arise and come” is far different than theirs was, but for us it
is a challenge, nonetheless. In their example we can find encouragement and
confidence that we too can traverse our challenges and become greater because
of them.
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos
R’ Dani and Chani Staum