PARSHAS CHUKAS 5775

“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Chukas

9 Tamuz 5775/ June 26, 2015

Pirkei Avos – Chapter 5

A few summers ago I was invited to co-star in a video entitled "The Do and Don'ts of Shana Rishona (first year of marriage)". While the video hasn’t yet won an Oscar (or even a Big Bird), it has entertained many a crowd at Sheva Berachos. The video featured a series of scenes which first depicted the wrong way for hapless newlyweds to react in a given situation, immediately followed by a repeat of the same scene, albeit this time with a more prudent and proper reaction.

I played the role of the husband while my good friend, Rabbi Shloime Katz, played the role of the wife. (With his wife's snood on his head and his beard, Rabbi Katz would have even made Bais Shammai hard pressed to proclaim "kallah na'ah vachasudah".)

After about nine such scenes the final scene depicts the husband and wife sitting next to each other on the couch. The husband appears sweaty and irritable while his wife is wearing a sweat shirt and wrapped in a blanket. The husband turns on the air conditioner and sits back down with a smile. Immediately after doing so, his now disgruntled wife hastens to the air conditioner and presses every button until she figures out how to shut it off. That final scene does not contain a follow-up ‘corrected scene’. As anyone married knows that is just the reality in most homes. You mean in your house he also wants the thermostat lower while she wants it higher? Yes indeed!

I was thrilled when we leased a Honda Odyssey last year because it was the first time I had seen what I dubbed "shalom bayis controls". Both driver and passenger have their own setting for heat and air conditioning. I often laugh when I see my setting at 66 degrees and Chani’s at 76 degrees.

My real dream is to figure out how to have such a setting for Shuls. Imagine if we could figure out how to set the men's section to be ten degrees cooler than the women's section!

Truth be told however, that is not what shalom bayis is about.

Please don't misunderstand me; I have no interest in relinquishing those brilliant settings, but achieving shalom demands something greater.

This past Shabbos our Shul president, R' Yossi Goldman, noted that shalom is most accurately translated as harmony. Shalom is not merely the absence of conflict, but more about synergistically blending the personalities and capabilities of everyone in the home. It's about learning to embrace differences and respect them.

A few months ago I read an article written by a somewhat noted author who is a proud resident of Eretz Yisroel. In the article the author stated that ironically when he would be visiting America that Pesach he would keep two days of Yom Tov. He then added that he expected all of his American friends who came to visit him in Eretz Yisroel for a future Yom Tov would observe one day as was the practice of residents of Eretz Yisroel. He explained that such is the meaning of unity. He opined that when people observe different customs and laws especially in the same vicinity, it is a breach of unity.

Aside from the fact that the author is sticking his head into a dispute between great lions of Halacha, which he has no business doing, I feel that his logic is flawed. He seems to espouse a desire to achieve halachic communism, wherein everyone observes exactly the same way because that is the only way to achieve unity. (While it is indeed the ultimate goal for all Jews to observe unified halacha, that can only occur when we again have a Sanhedrin with the advent of moshiach).

The beauty and unity of our people comes from respecting our differences. Although we need not respect practices which run contrary to Halacha, we need to respect people. We also need to recognize the beauty of difference and the different viewpoints and customs of our people.

That training begins in our homes and from there branches out to a respect for all Jews.

Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum          

720 Union Road • New Hempstead, NY 10977 • (845) 362-2425

PARSHAS KORACH 5775

“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Korach

2 Tamuz 5775/ June 19, 2015

Pirkei Avos – Chapter 4

A number of years ago the infant daughter of one of close friends and colleagues suddenly took ill and had to be hospitalized. His wife stayed in the hospital round the clock with their baby while he shuttled back and forth between the hospital and home, caring for their other children. During one of the nights that his wife was in the hospital he inadvertently left his car door unlocked, something he never does, with his laptop on the seat. When he got into his car the following morning the laptop was gone. 

Later that day when he was back in the hospital he went downstairs to the bikur cholim room to warm up pizza for his and his wife’s lunch.

When he entered the elevators holding the two slices heading back up to the hospital room there was an elevator repair man standing inside. He looked at the repair man and said (the same thing I invariably would have said) “Well at least if the elevator gets stuck we’ll be okay.” The repair man hardly smiled as the doors closed.

Ironically enough moments later as the elevator was ascending there was a thud and the elevator stopped moving. The repair man looked at my friend blankly and shrugged. The repair man took out his cell phone and made some calls. After an extended period of time the repair man was finally able to pry the door open. During that time my friend’s wife was waiting nervously for him (he didn’t have his cell phone on him).

The elevator was stationed half way between the next floor so that when the door opened my friend was able to see the feet of the people waiting for the adjacent elevator. The people waiting for the adjacent elevator suddenly saw two slices of pizza fly out of the elevator followed by a religious bearded fellow climbing out of the elevator. Impatient to get back to his wife and baby he waved politely and walked off.

A few days later my friend went to speak to his rebbe. “What message is Hashem trying to send me? My baby was in the hospital, my lap top was stolen, and I got stuck in the hospital elevator with the repair man! Does Hashem want something from me?”

His rebbe replied that he had no idea why it all happened. However, he suggested to my friend that he sit down with his wife and calculate the hidden chesed that Hashem did for them during that time. He wanted them to figure out the things that could have been worse had they happened differently.

My friend related that when they made the list he was surprised to realize that indeed there were many things that happened which they had not realized had made the difficult situation more bearable. This was even before his baby left the hospital and everything was b’h fine.

I have thought about this anecdote many times. Chani and I have utilized this advice on a few occasions. After difficult situations transpired we reviewed what occurred and realized that as difficult and challenging as the situation was there was much to be thankful for.

We live in a world that is hyper-focused on the things we don’t have. Happiness however, lies in counting and realizing our blessings even, or perhaps especially, in challenging situations.

Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       

720 Union Road • New Hempstead, NY 10977 • (845) 362-2425

PARSHAS SHELACH 5775

“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Shelach

25 Sivan 5775/ June 12, 2015

Mevorchim Chodesh Tamuz - Pirkei Avos – Chapter 3

A number of years ago a friend mentioned to me that there was a shul not too far from me that was looking to hire a chazzan to lead the davening on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. He gave me the number of the contact person and I called right away. I had a lengthy and pleasant conversation with the shul representative about a slew of topics, including my experience and family history of davening for the amud. Just before we hung up he assured me that he would be in touch with me imminently.   

That was almost a decade ago and I am still waiting for the call.

When I had just graduated with my Masters in Social Work, I wasn’t sure where to begin. The hardest part of building a career is always getting started and I didn’t know how to get my foot in the door. I thought that perhaps if I took a teaching position it would get me into the school system and from there I could have an easier time procuring a position as a school therapist.

I gave a model lesson at one of the local schools. At the time the school taught limudei kodesh ivrit b’ivrit (Judaic studies in Hebrew) and conveying the lesson in Hebrew with the School’s Headmaster and Principal in attendance only added to my anxiety level. When I was done they critiqued my performance and told me that they would be in touch with me shortly.

That was over a decade ago. I have often joked that they may call any day now.

Recently, a mentor of mine who is a seasoned and veteran rebbe gave a model lesson after interviewing for a particular position. Accepting the job entailed that his whole family would have to move to a different community and it would be a great undertaking. The school seemed interested in him, but after the interview they never called him back. When I asked him about the position he expressed his frustration and hurt. Couldn’t they at least have the decency to call me and tell me they weren’t hiring me? 

Neither of the two places where I interviewed but never received a response meant to be malicious. Neither of them meant to drag me through an emotional roller coaster and leave me hanging high and dry while I waited excitedly and hopefully for a reply. But that was what they unwittingly did. They undoubtedly had many other general worries and important issues and concerns that needed their attention and they simply overlooked me. But it was very upsetting for me. 

I think about those events periodically so that I can remind myself how I felt when that was done to me in the hope that I don’t do that to others. It’s so easy for us to become overwhelmed with our own daily affairs that we forget about the needs of others. It may not be as life-changing as a new position, but even a phone call seeking our assistance or advice, can be painful if not returned.

The people I dealt with in both of the aforementioned institutions have left those institutions long ago. Having said that, I should add that there is another implicit lesson here, i.e. that one never knows in life. The shul whose representative never replied to me about being the chazzan, I have not only been the chazzan there during the Yomim Noraim since then, but I have had the zechus to be the Rabbi there for the last six years. As far as the school where I interviewed and never heard back from, I currently enjoy being their fifth grade rebbe and Guidance Counselor.

If you’ll excuse me, my phone’s ringing… you never know!

Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       

720 Union Road • New Hempstead, NY 10977 • (845) 362-2425

PARSHAS BEHA’ALOSCHA 5775

“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Beha’aloscha

18 Sivan 5775/ June 5, 2015

Pirkei Avos – Chapter 2

When I was a student in Fordham University pursuing my Masters in Social Work, one of my professors recounted an experience he had witnessed one year on the day of the Fordham graduation. Fordham Social Work graduates meet outside the university and walk a half block to Lincoln Center where the commencement exercises are held. That year as they were walking single file, donned in their caps and gowns, and heads held high, they hardly noticed a beggar sitting on the side of the street with his hand outstretched soliciting some charity.

My professor noted the tragic irony of a group of people so consumed with the joy of graduation in a field dedicated to helping others in need that they were oblivious to the plight of someone in need.

We often don’t take the time to internalize the wonderful things we are involved in. We also don’t always appreciate how much we mean to others and how much we can do for others just by doing small acts of kindness and helping others feel validated.

American author Maya Angelou quipped, “Although people may not necessarily remember what you said or did, they will always remember how you made them feel.”

On the day of my own graduation from Fordham in May 2003, I too walked with my fellow graduates the half block to Lincoln Center. I was proud to receive my diploma while I was donned in my cap and gown. After the event ended, I was walking with my wife and parents towards our car. An African-American fellow pushing a hand-truck loaded with boxes across the Manhattan street suddenly collided with the curb. Boxes flew everywhere prompting a few honks from annoyed and impatient drivers. My father looked at me, motioned towards the boxes, and said “C’mon, it’s the right thing to do!”   

We then proceeded to help the flustered and very appreciative man collect his boxes and place them back on the hand-truck. He kept repeating “Thanks you rabbis! That’s really nice! Thank you rabbis!”   

It wasn’t just the Kiddush Hashem that we generated, it was also the lesson my father taught me. It’s the right thing to do. Internalize what you were taught and let it become part of who you are.

Someone once told me that one of the things that makes my father so special is that despite his being the administrator of Friedwald Nursing Home, he still maintains his original training as a social worker. He makes rounds around the Nursing Home every morning to check on all the residents and patients, to offer a pleasant word and see how they are doing. I have been told by numerous people, including some notable Monsey personalities, “I spent some time in Friedwald recuperating. Your father treated me like royalty.”

…But they will always remember how you made them feel!

It’s always nice when a child has nachas from his parents. [I’ll save my nachas about my mother for a different time.]  

Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum     

720 Union Road • New Hempstead, NY 10977 • (845) 362-2425