Thursday, May 27, 2021

Parshas Beha’aloscha 5781

 

 “RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Beha’aloscha

Avos perek 2

17 Sivan 5781/May 28, 2021

 

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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל

 

THE ALIEN WITHIN

 

            Although the pandemic was a world-wide challenge that caused incredible loss and suffering, not everyone fared badly. Most prominently, within weeks of the beginning of the pandemic, “Zoom” became ubiquitous. It seemed like everything was on Zoom - meetings, parties, family get-togethers, shiurim, yoga, etc. Pfizer and Moderna have also done well in recent months.

            One of the more unexpected surges during the pandemic has been for plastic surgery. Spending so much time on Zoom and video conference calls has forced people to look at their own faces for extended periods of time. Many people have become disenchanted with their “lockdown face”.

            The truth is that the image of ourselves that we see on screens is not wholly accurate. A BBC article entitled, “Why plastic-surgery demand is booming amid lockdown” quotes Dr. Jill Owen, a psychologist from The British Psychological Society, who notes that the version of ourselves we see on our screens can be deceiving. The angle, lighting, and limitations of the camera on many devices can lead to distortions of facial features.

            Owen notes that obsessing over our own image can lead to “perceptual distortion”, which occurs when we “highlight a fault, then focus disproportionately on this until it becomes magnified in our perception”.

            That perceptual distortion seems to have impacted multitudes of people. Cosmetic doctors and plastic surgeons around the world have reported surges in bookings for surgical and non-surgical treatments following lockdown. It’s being referred to as the ‘Zoom Boom’.

            According to halacha, although there are occasions when it is permitted, plastic surgery is not a simple matter. The fundamental issue is whether one has permission to inflict damage upon his/her own body.[1]

            The very concept is revolutionary. Most people assume ‘it’s my body and I can do with it as I please’. The Torah viewpoint, however, is that our bodies are not our personal property. Rather, they are “on loan” to us to use properly to house our souls so that we can accomplish and be productive in this world. We are charged to care for our bodies and use them properly.  

            I was thinking about this concept recently when I received the covid vaccine. Side effects are common after receiving the vaccine, including injection-site pain, fatigue, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, to go along with fever and chills.

            Personally, the day after I received the first Pfizer shot, I woke up not feeling well but was able to push myself to go about my day. As the day wore on however, I felt increasingly worse.

            By the time I arrived home in the late afternoon, I had what felt like a full-blown flu, including fever, achiness, an intense headache and chills. I woke up the following morning in a pool of sweat, but my symptoms were almost completely gone. I was quite concerned about what would happen after the second vaccine, but thankfully, aside for some fatigue, I had almost no side effects.  

            It’s intriguing that everyone who receives the vaccine seems to have a different experience. Some report not having any side effects at all, while others report becoming very sick for a few days. Even of those that suffer some strong side effects afterwards, some report side effects only after the first, others only after the second, and some both times.

            As I heard people speak of their experiences, including reflection on my own experience, it was fascinating to realize that we speak about our bodies reactions as if it’s a foreign being with a mind of its own.

            I was similarly reminded of this phenomenon after the recent Meron tragedy and during the Hamas missile attacks in Eretz Yisroel. I was listening to a lecture from trauma expert who noted that everyone has different reactions to trauma. This can include anger, moodiness, irritability, becoming obsessive, crying, denial, disbelief, disinterest in previous activities, emotional numbness, forgetfulness, grief, guilt, isolation, nightmares, panic, and sleeping too much.

            The lecturer stressed that everyone reacts differently, and all reactions are normal in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic situation or experience.

            Once again, I noticed that we refer of people’s reactions as if they are a foreign force over which one has limited or no control.

            We tend to define ourselves and think of ourselves based on our physical bodies. Although we are aware that our true-life force and identity is our soul, we live in a physical world and therefore think of ourselves based on our ‘physical casing’. In our youth we get used to our bodies and feel we understand them well. But as we age, we start to feel that our bodies are somewhat foreign to us and at times can even feel betrayed by our bodies (at least that’s what my friends tell me…)

            What really defines us is our soul that transcends the limitations of this world. That is our real essence and, therefore, we would be wise to invest in it.

            All that said, I want to thank Pfizer for giving me a shot in the arm in reminding me who and what I really am.

 

            Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       



[1] The gemara (Bava Kama 91b) quotes a Taanaic dispute whether one is allowed to damage himself. The Rambam (Chovel U’mazik 5:1) and Shulchan Aruch (Choshen Mishpat 420:1) rule that it is forbidden. The question is whether totally elective surgery done for an understandable reason is included in the prohibition. See Igros Moshe, Choshen Mishpat 5:66, Minchas Shlomo II:82, and Minchas Yitzchak VI;105.

 

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Parshas Naso 5781

 

 “RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Naso

Avos perek 1

10 Sivan 5781/May 21, 2021

 

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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל

 

WILLING CONFINEMENT

 

            American youth are familiar with Oscar the Grouch. Oscar, a green monster who resides in a garbage can, is an iconic character on Sesame Street. Oscar is perpetually grumpy and impatient with others and seems to enjoy everything everyone else doesn’t.

            There is great depth in the fact that Oscar lives in a garbage can. Resentments, nastiness, and obnoxiousness greatly limit our world, confining us to the doldrums of our negativity. When we are unable to traverse our negativity, we are doomed to living with the smelly rubbish of the refuse that surrounds us. It’s often not easy to pull ourselves out of those garbage cans but doing so expands our world and allows us to enjoy the sunshine around us, even when the sun isn’t shining.

            To be honest, Oscar’s trash can is actually bigger on the inside than it seems. In various episodes, Oscar has noted that his trash can boasts such amenities as a farm, swimming pool, ice rink, bowling alley, and piano. Other items include Slimey, Oscar’s pet worm and Fluffy, Oscar’s pet elephant.  The trash can also has a back door. In addition, on occasion, Oscar walks while still inside his trash can, with his feet visible below. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, his life is still confined to a trash can.

            But is living in a confined area always a bad thing? Is living a metaphorically confined existence always restricting?

            We have just concluded the beautiful Yom Tov of Shavuos, celebrating the anniversary of our original acceptance of the Torah. Perhaps the most intriguing and well-known question regarding the giving of the Torah has to do with a perplexing statement in the gemara (Shabbos 88a). The gemara states that when the nation stood in unity at Sinai to accept the Torah, G-d held the mountain above them like a barrel and said, “If you accept the Torah, all will be well. But if not, there will be your burial place.”

            Everyone is familiar with the fact that the Jewish people had selflessly and devotedly accepted the Torah with love, declaring “na’ase v’nishma – we will do, and we will hear.” Why was it necessary for there to be any modicum of coercion after they demonstrated perfect willingness to accept it with all its laws and restrictions? There are numerous answers to this enigma.

            Over Yom Tov I had a novel thought which explains why it is not perplexing at all. In fact, the complete acceptance is not at all at odds with what occurred with the mountain being held menacingly above them like a barrel.

            A young man is about to walk down to his chuppah. He has waited a long time for this moment. From the time he excitedly but nervously proposed, and she tearfully smiled and said yes, through all the wedding preparations, including finding an apartment and everything in between, it was all surreal. He dreamed of the opportunity to carve a life for himself with his kallah and now the moment has arrived.

            Now, in a private room, the chosson’s father placed his hands gently and lovingly upon his head and blessed him. Then he looked into his son’s eyes and said, “I want to remind you that you have committed yourself to a most wonderful yet serious undertaking. For the past few years, you loved to disappear at night for a few hours, often to go learn. You came back at all hours of the night and we never knew in advance when that would be. You also would go off with your friends for a few days for fun trips. You would also call us from a restaurant to tell us you weren’t coming home for supper or even for Shabbos. We told you we were okay with that and it was great. But all that ends now! When you place that ring upon her finger you are committing to be her protective wall, to circle her like that ring, prioritizing her above all else, and to always be thinking about her. She in turn will circle you under the chuppah seven times and pledge to do the same for you.

            “You have willingly and lovingly accepted the marriage. In doing so, you have limited yourself in that your world will always be intertwined with hers. In marrying her you have the formidable task of ensuring all your decisions include what’s best for her.”[1]

            When Klal Yisroel stood at Sinai and were offered the Torah they accepted it with alacrity and excitement. But in so doing they also committed themselves to ensuring that they would forevermore live their lives according to, and within, the dictates and confines of the Torah. Perhaps G-d never actually held the mountain above them at all, but symbolically they saw their acceptance at Sinai as if that was the case.[2] A barrel has limitations and the Jews now had to live within the Torah’s limitations.

            Interestingly, the Gemara does not say that if they failed to accept the Torah “here would be your burial place”. Rather, it says “there”. At whatever point later on they would forget the responsibilities of their commitment, there would be their burial place. It’s analogous to a marriage in which, somewhere down the line, one of the spouses no longer prioritizes the other and begins to make decisions selfishly. “There” - when that happens, will be the beginning of the burial place and undoing of the marriage.

            Not all limitations are constricting. In building a marriage we willingly constrict ourselves because we recognize that through the marriage and it’s limitations, we can accomplish far greater things and become far greater people than we could have without those limitations.

            It is no less regarding our relationship with the divine. In accepting the Torah, we willingly and lovingly accepted the limitations that doing so would entail.

 

            Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       



[1] As I was preparing to send this essay, in my email inbox I received the weekly email “Marriage Minute” from the Gottman Institute. This week’s tip was the following:   

Part of being in a relationship means being there for your partner when they need you. In healthy, supportive partnerships, that means putting them first. When your partner is hurting or needs your help, stop your world. You can do this in big and small ways. In the moment, put down your phone, turn down (or turn off) the television, and give them your undivided attention.
On a larger scale, factor your partner’s needs into your schedule. You’ve likely got a lot of responsibilities and things to do. However, if you’re too busy for a daily Stress-Reducing Conversation and regular date nights, you’re too busy. Stop your world and make consistent connecting with your sweetheart part of your day.
So, that text message can wait, and your to-do list will still be here tomorrow. Put everything down and turn toward your partner. When you both do this for each other, your relationship will be unstoppable.

[2] This idea has been proposed by other commentaries as well. In a sefer called “V’haish Moshe, Rav Moshe Soloveitchik of Switzerland said a similar idea with a different twist.

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Parshas Bamidbar - Shavuos 5781

 

 “RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Bamidbar

47th day of the Omer – Avos perek 6

3 Sivan 5781/May 14, 2021

Shavuos

 

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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל

 

FAITHFUL JOURNEY

 

            I was speaking to a friend recently, shortly after the horrific Meron accident that took place on Lag BaOmer. Like all of us, my friend was struggling to come to terms with what happened. When he discussed the tragedy, the struggle within him kept bursting to the fore. First, he said, “We have to have emunah that it’s all from Hashem.” But a moment later he countered in a pained voice, “but how could it have happened?!” Then again, “we have to have emunah that Hashem does everything for the best.” Then again, “but it’s not possible that such a thing could happen, and in Meron on Lag BaOmer!”

            He felt guilty that he was questioning G-d and so he immediately reassured himself that one must have emunah. But it was clear that despite his best efforts the painful event refused to be quelled within him.

            I told him that the vacillating tumultuous emotions were par for the course of internalizing emunah. We sometimes have the mistaken and naïve notion that emunah is just something you have or don’t have. We may therefore be embarrassed and hide the fact that at times our emunah may be shaken and we have to struggle mightily to strengthen our emunah. But the truth is that emunah is a process and a lifelong journey that has ups and downs.

 

            The following thoughts are from a lecture given by Rabbi Avrohom Yachnes on Tisha B’av 5773 in Camp Dora Golding:

            “What does it mean to believe in Hashem? People say that seeing is believing. But the reality is not that way. The truth is that not seeing is believing.

            “I was once speaking to a group of people. I removed my watch, held it up in front of them and asked them if they believed that I had a watch. I told them that I hoped they didn’t say yes. The reality it is that they didn’t believe I had a watch in my hand, because they definitively knew it.

            “I told them that if I were to hide the watch and ask if they believed it was still there hidden from view, then their answer would depend. If we had a trusting relationship and everything I told them in the past had been true, then they could believe that in this case as well the watch was still there. However, if we had no prior relationship, why should they believe I have a watch just because I said so?

            “Not seeing is believing IF you trust the one telling you the facts.

            “A few years ago, I was sitting in an aisle seat on a plane, when a woman sitting opposite me noticed my yarmulka and asked me if I believed in G-d? When I replied that I did she asked me how I could believe in an entity I had never seen?

            “I replied, “Ma’am I don’t want to make you nervous, but we are currently flying at an altitude of 30,000 feet and there are hundreds of other planes flying in the vicinity of our air space at the same time. During the day when the pilot looks out the front window his visibility is about 5 miles. At night, with the headlights on, his visibility is only about 500 yards. Planes travel on average about 600 mph. Did you ever wonder how come one plane doesn’t ever “meet” another plane by mistake in midair?

            “The answer is that in the cockpit there is a consul that has many beeping lights. “Using radar those beeping lights represent other planes and based on that the pilot knows to keep a safe distance from other planes. That means that the pilot doesn’t actually see the other planes. Yet, he believes they are there based on radar.

            “I told the woman that if the pilot flies a plane based on belief, then I can also believe in G-d even though I never saw him.

            “The reality is that if you want to believe you will. Faith is a matter of choice.

            “I was waiting on line in a store in Boro Park a few years ago, and I struck up a conversation with the fellow behind me. “He told me he was a ba’al teshuva. A few years earlier he had been completely unobservant, but at that point he was wearing tzitzis, eating kosher, keeping Shabbos, etc.

            “When I asked him how long it took him to become religious, he replied five minutes. “He explained that he was on the seventy-eighth floor of the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, when a plane crashed into it. It took him five minutes to run down the steps to safety. At that moment he knew unequivocally that G-d was sending him a message and he immediately embraced a life of Torah and mitzvos.

            “There were thousands of people who escaped the towers that day. Yet, they didn’t become ba’alei teshuva as he did. He seized the moment and recognized that G-d had saved him and so he had a responsibility to do something.”

 

            Some people think Judaism advocates blind faith. This is a mistake. The basis of our connection with Hashem is a knowing relationship. In the concluding words of Aleinu we say, “And you will know today, and you will return to your heart that Hashem is your G-d; there is no other.” By studying the world, analyzing history, and primarily by studying Torah, we develop emphatic knowledge of the one true G-d. It is based on that knowledge that we build emuna - to have faith in Hashem even when we don’t understand why He does things and how He runs His world.

            A colleague once told me that he once attended the painful funeral of an eight-year-old girl who died in a fire. At her funeral, her father wept and said, “far deer iz lichtig oon meer darf hubben emunah - For you there’s only light (in the world of truth), and I have faith.”

            In the most painful times, we walk ahead in darkness with the light of our faith. Sometimes that light may seem to dim but we seek to fan its flame and strengthen it within us.

            A Jew learns to live with questions. At times he has to strengthen his emunah but that is the path to greatness.

            The introduction to the Aseres Hadibros is “I am Hashem your G-d who took you out of Egypt.” Before relating the commandments, G-d relates His personal connection with us. The foundation of our connection to Torah is based on emunah - our personal connection with the divine.

            This year, Hashem transformed Lag BaOmer into Tisha B’av. Now we wait for when Tisha B’av will be transformed into Lag BaOmer!

 

            Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos

            Chag Sameiach & Freilichen Yom Tov,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       

    

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Parshas Behar-Bechukosai 5781

 

 “RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Behar-Bechukosai – Chazak!

40th day of the Omer – Avos perek 5

Mevorchim Chodesh Sivan

25 Iyar 5781/May 7, 2021

 

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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל

           

SIMCHAS TORAH II

 

            Seven months ago, our family enjoyed a beautiful Succos including an enjoyable Chol Hamoed. We went on a few outdoor activities with friends and family, and I was able to facilitate our community’s beautiful Chol Hamoed learning program. On Hoshana Rabba night I had the privilege to give a shiur via zoom from my succah. The following morning, I wasn’t feeling all that well, but nothing terrible. By afternoon, my symptoms worsened slightly, and we decided that it was best for me to test for covid.

            The nurse administered the test, sticking the suave through my nose and deep into my brain (or so it felt). A few minutes later she returned with the verdict – I had tested positive. When I told my wife, she told me that I was supposed to test negative. I must have missed that on the memo.

            As the last days of Yom Tov wore on, my symptoms increased, and I began to feel sicklier. Nevertheless, our quarantined family was able to enjoy family hakafos on Simchas Torah. It was quite a memorable experience. For each hakafah another one of our children donned my tallis and led the hakafah around the bimah - our dining room table. Our older children and I took turns holding our younger children on our shoulders, as the younger children excitedly waved their flags and carried the stuffed Torahs they had made in yeshiva. Plenty of candy and nosh was disseminated while we were dancing.  

            In addition, some of our wonderful neighbors stopped by our home on Simchas Torah after they finished davening and hakafos in shul. They sang and danced on our lawn as I stood at a distance singing along. It was a special gesture that helped us feel loved and appreciated.

            But there is no substitute for being there in person. It was far easier to be quarantined in our home the previous Pesach when everyone was quarantined, then it was to be quarantined on Simchas Torah when we knew the community was davening and celebrating Simchas Torah together.

            The same held true after Yom Tov ended and the world returned to work and yeshiva, while our family remained at home for the duration of the two-week quarantine.

            There is no replacement for Simchas Torah. The excitement that fills the air, the smiles and laughter of children and adults, the physical and spiritual energy generated while clutching and circling the Torah is unparalleled.

            When the quarantine ended, and our family was finally able to return to our regular routines the feeling of having missed out on Simchas Torah lingered.

            The Torah relates that when the first (and only) korbon Pesach was offered in the desert, there were individuals who were ritually impure and could not offer it with the rest of the nation. But those individuals were unhappy with their exemption and asked Moshe why they should lose out on the opportunity to bring the korbon Pesach. Because of their request, Hashem gave them Pesach Sheni – a second opportunity one month later, on the fourteenth of Iyar, to offer the korbon Pesach.

            I noted to Josh Heber, a neighbor in the community who was also sick and quarantined with Covid during Simchas Torah, that we should create a “Simchas Torah Sheni” for those of us who had missed out on the first Simchas Torah. He replied that he was all for it.

            I am excited to share that this Shabbos I and my family will iy”H indeed be celebrating our Simchas Torah Sheni!  The greatness of Torah is that one can always learn, and one can - and should - constantly celebrate his accomplishments in learning. I have recently completed my second cycle of learning the entirety of the six orders of mishnayos. To that end, our family is co-sponsoring kiddush in our shul after Mussaf this Shabbos to celebrate the siyum (Kehillas Zichron Yaakov - 7 Durante Rd, Spring Valley).

            Aside from this being an open invitation to join us, I share this in the hope that perhaps it will inspire others to take it upon themselves to learn mishnayos each day.  In fact, that is how I began as well. During my years as a bochur in the Bais Medrash of Yeshiva Shaarei Torah, we were joined by Rabbi Yosef Solomon a”h. Rabbi Solomon was a retired rebbe who sat in the Bais Medrash and learned b’chavrusa with one of my friends as if he was another bochur, though he was at least four decades older than we were.

            Rabbi Solomon was the one who encouraged me to begin learning mishnayos. He would say that all it takes is a few minutes to learn 1-2 mishnayos a day and over time one will enjoy the fruits of that investment. He was completely right! This week’s siyum then is a zechus for his neshama as well.  

            I don’t have a set amount of mishnayos that I learn or a particular schedule that I follow. But I try hard to rarely miss a day. The beauty of mishnayos is that it teaches general foundational knowledge of every part of the Torah.

            It is especially meaningful that the siyum will be the Shabbos of the week of the yahrtziets of both of my wife’s grandmothers. 27 Iyar is the yahrtzeit of my father-in-law’s mother, Rochel Bas Yonah (Mermelstein). Our daughter Aviva Rochel proudly carries her name. 29 Iyar is the yahrtzeit of my mother-in-law’s mother, Chaya bas Dovid (Kawer). Our daughter Chaya Tziporah proudly carries her name. May the neshamos of these two special women continue to have an aliyah in Gan Eden.

            This Shabbos, they won’t be selling the pesukim of atah hareisa like they do on Simchas Torah (although I did pay for the kiddush) nor will anyone be joyously throwing up children by Moshe emes (you never know). But Covid has reminded me that the ability to celebrate nearly a decade of personal daily Torah learning with my community is not to be taken for granted. 

 

            Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum