“RABB I’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh
Parshas Vayakhel-Pekudei/Hachodesh
Mevorchim Chodesh Nissan
26 Adar 5777/ March 24,
2017
On Purim
morning, I reached for a sefer off one of the shelves in my office, and, to my
surprise, the whole bookcase collapsed. It wasn’t because I had drunk anything,
as it was too early for that. The bookcase wasn’t exactly of the strongest
quality (Walmart special) and was bearing more weight than it could hold. After
someone had knocked into it a day earlier (one of those ‘tenants’ who live in
our home, consume our food, time, and resources, and bear our last name…), it
didn’t take much movement to cause the whole thing to buckle.
Two days after
Purim we were hit with a massive snowstorm. Even after our driveway was plowed,
I still had to shovel the top and sides of the driveway. It was quite a
struggle to get our cars up and out of our steep driveway.
The following
morning, I felt quite achy. No doubt it was the result of the shoveling from
the day prior, and straining muscles that had not been used in some time.
Afterwards, I
was thinking about the disparity between these two experiences, and how it
relates to our lives, particularly as parents.
On the one hand,
we all fear pushing our children too much. We live in fear that if we ask them
to do the dishes at the wrong time, we might cause them to rebel and live on
the streets. If we ask them to help set the table for Shabbos, they may storm
out and go off the derech. While that may be an exaggeration, it does symbolize
the fear every parent feels deep down in today’s day and age.
On the other
side of the spectrum however, is the fact that if we do not teach our children
responsibility by giving them (read – compelling them) opportunities to
contribute to the family, such as household chores, and imposing other demands,
and setting proper guidelines, those “muscles” will atrophy. Lack of rules and
responsibilities unwittingly breeds entitlement and spoiled children, who feel they
have everything coming to them. Such children are whiney, obnoxious, and
unpleasant to be around, especially towards their well-meaning, overly-doting,
parents
This leads us to
wonder - towards which direction do we lean? Of course, our goal is the golden
median, wherein we exert just the right amount of pressure, without overdoing
it. But is it better to err on the side of exerting more pressure or by taking
more of a hands-off approach?
The Gemara Bava
Basra (21a) advises us to “Stuff it into him like an ox.” Most children do not learn
responsibility from osmosis. For their own growth and maturity, they need to
feel a modicum of pressure, in order to foster a sense of responsibility. The
fact is that we seek to provide so much for our children, but they need to feel
responsible to ‘give back’. That is the only way they can become productive,
pleasant, and grateful people.
It’s generally
far easier to just do something ourselves, than to ask our children to do it.
It may be a struggle to get them to perform chores in the first place. Then,
when they finally do them, we often feel sorry we asked in the first place. All
of that notwithstanding, the fact that they have to contribute to the family
and are held accountable for it, is an investment in the growth of the child.
Ironically, experience
has proven that it is far more likely for a child to become rebellious if
he/she was not parented enough, than if he/she is “overparented”. The
underlying message conveyed to a child who is expected to contribute is that
his contribution is valuable and necessary. It also teaches healthy
responsibility.
The only way to
be a happy person, is if you can give, and not only take.
More than any
other holiday, Pesach, and particularly the Seder, is devoted to educating our
children about our values and beliefs. Aside for ardently teaching through
stories, parables, and lessons, and more importantly through our personal
example, we need to maintain accountability, to ensure that our children live
up to the standards we wish for ourselves and for them.
Then we can be
confident that they will be able to shovel away the debris of their
deficiencies without it wearing them (or their parents) out.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos
Chodesh Tov,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum