“RABBI’S
MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh – Parshas Acharei
Mos-Kedoshim
12 Iyar 5775/ May1, 2015
28th day of the Omer - Pirkei
Avos – Chapter 3
Recently,
a close friend of mine, who is a member of the board of his shul, recounted to
me his surprise with the behavior of a fellow congregant. His shul is in middle
of a renovation which will enhance and beautify the shul. A congregant angrily
approached him and began droning on about how upset he is with the new project
for various reasons. My friend couldn’t understand the congregant’s senseless
ranting.
I related
to my friend a wise piece of advice that a rabbinical colleague once conveyed
to me: Many people try to assert their opinion at the office but their boss
tells them to pipe down and get back to work. Then they come home at the end of
the day and try to assert themselves at home, whereupon their wives put them
back in their place. So these people who have a stifled need from some level of
authority and are desperate to assert themselves somewhere, come to shul and
yell, scream, and carry on over inane things, which most people (including the
person himself) normally could care less about. [Personal disclaimer:
Although I understand the wisdom of this statement, I cannot relate to it, because
in our shul – Kehillat New Hempstead – no one
ever vents or gripes about anything. It’s as if there’s a cloud of blissful
peace that descends upon everyone who walks through the door of the shul. It
probably has something to do with the rabbi.]
I also
told my friend that at times when people are carrying on to me about something
I contemplate whether the conversation is really about me or about the person
himself. Sometimes it becomes clear that the person criticizing me or
lambasting me needs to do so for his own sense of validation.
When I
realize that, it becomes easier to listen to his words unemotionally. I feel I
am doing a chesed by listening to him and telling him I appreciate his suggestions
about how awful my derasha was or why the shul should totally change its
direction as per his suggestions. [Again this is all theoretically speaking
from what I heard occurs in other shuls.]
Every
person needs to feel valued and appreciated. Listening to someone is therefore
a truly great chesed. In a certain sense it is giving them validation.
Spouses
have an added responsibility to be there for each other, in a way that no one
else can. The same certainly holds true for children. Sometimes it’s far easier
to “be there” for everyone else, than it is to be there for our most loved
ones. If we are able to remember how valuable listening and being there it
becomes easier to do so.
Those who
solicit funds for tzedakah note that there was a time when people would give
time even though they wouldn’t necessarily give a lot of money. Today however,
people are far quicker to give money as long as they don’t have to give time.
In our
world, time and attention, as well as love and validation, are far more
valuable and rare commodities than money.
Do a
chesed today: Listen to a ranting neighbor or friend, or better yet to a
venting spouse or child.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum