“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Vayakhel
28 Adar I 5784/ March 9, 2024
Mevorchim Chodesh Adar II – Shekalim
EMOTIONAL EXTENSION
CORDS
Doing construction is exciting and simultaneously exceedingly frustrating
and trying on one’s patience. One of the things I remember most about when we
did construction was myriad wires everywhere. Eventually, all those wires were
hidden within the walls. But before the walls were erected, and new outlets
were created, there were numerous wires crisscrossing each other. Those wires
were plugged into extension cords that themselves were plugged into other
extension cords, with all those cords competing for the same few outlets.
One day during construction, I realized that our freezer had been
unplugged. I had to trace the wires until I figured out which plug should be
pulled out so I could ensure the freezer was plugged in.
The maze of extension cords is a poignant analogy. At times we may say or
do something that brings a surprisingly strong reaction or response from
another, be it a spouse, friend, child, student, parent, employee, neighbor,
etc. We have no way of knowing that at some earlier point, someone else may
have said similar words which, at that time, caused him tremendous pain, shame,
or aggravation. What we said or did caused a proverbial extension cord to plug
into to that past experience causing a painful emotional jolt or shock.
This dynamic happens within us as well. At times we may be surprised by
our own emotional reaction to a comment or situation. It is more than likely
that our reaction wasn’t so much caused by actual words that were said but the
significance or meaning we subconsciously attached to it. A seemingly
nonchalant comment may have plugged into a metaphoric extension cord connecting
us way back to our past.
The most extreme example I experienced of this phenomenon was with a
client I visited weekly when I was a social worker intern. Antschel was a
retired Holocaust survivor. He had recently suffered a few mini strokes and it
was hard for him to speak. He was also attached to a feeding tube.
One blustery rainy November afternoon, I was sitting next to him
discussing something when he motioned that he wanted to say something. I
stopped and waited. It took a minute before he got the words out: “They made us
walk”. At first, I had absolutely no idea what he was referring to. But then
his wife explained that at the end of WWII, Antschel had been on the Nazi death
march during the month of November when it was often blustery and rainy.
It was amazing to me, that sixty years later, in his home in New York,
when seeing the same weather out his window, it triggered a painful and
traumatic memory. The weather had caused a mental extension cord to be plugged
in, triggering a visceral reaction.
The analogy can be helpful in putting things in perspective in our daily
lives as well. A client with whom I shared the analogy reported that he
recently became upset at something relatively trivial that happened at home.
When he thought about the situation, he realized that his harsher reaction was
because the incident triggered an earlier memory. Once he was able to identify
that, he was able to work on “unplugging” that extension cord. In fact, he was
able to apologize for his reaction to his wife and to explain that what
happened triggered plugging in an extension cord.
The Mishnah (Avos 2:4) states, “Do not judge your friend until you are in
his place.” The Mishnah is essentially saying that one cannot judge his friend
until he has “walked a mile in his friend’s shoes”.
The Sefas Emes notes that even if someone finds himself in the exact same
predicament as his friend and all conditions are equal, he still cannot judge
his friend. Although the external situation may be the same, every person has
vastly different internal emotions, sensitivities, feelings, dispositions,
inclinations, fears, life experiences, family upbringing, values, goals, and
sense of morality.
To say it more succinctly, every person has different extension cords
plugged into different outlets. Therefore, even if one is in the same situation
as another, he cannot adequately judge his friend’s actions in the same
situation.
Essentially the Sefas Emes is saying that one can never properly
judge another. Even if he is in his friend’s shoes, he still doesn’t have his
friend’s feet.
There’s a lot of mental extension cords running from the present into way
back in our lives. The more we can identify them, the more we can unplug
ourselves from them. Instead, we can find more positive extension cords and
outlets that help us connect with healthier thoughts and reactions.
Shabbat Shalom
& Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani
and Chani Staum
stamtorah@gmail.com
