“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Vaera
2 Shevat 5784/ January 12, 2024
UNABASHEDLY
Recently, I attended a Sheva Berachos at which the mother of the Kallah
spoke. She expressed her tremendous feelings of gratitude to her family and
friends and extolled the virtues of her daughter the Kallah and new son-in-law.
Then, before concluding she noted that during the weeks before the wedding it
had felt strange to be so focused on her simcha when there was and is so much
ongoing heartbreak and anguish in Klal Yisroel. As she said that she choked up.
Then she looked down and said, “I’m sorry” and began to cry. After a moment,
through tears she continued by noting the pain of hostages, broken and
displaced families, and wounded soldiers. She apologized for her tears twice
more.
I found it intriguing that she apologized for her tears three times. In
fact, it’s not uncommon to hear someone apologize for being overtaken by
emotion.
Our society views demonstrating emotion, and particularly tears, as
weakness. People like to present themselves as being strong, confident, and
like they have everything in life together. Crying is a profoundly vulnerable
and intimate expression of one’s inner self. It’s an admission that things are
not perfect, and one doesn’t feel completely in control.
Women cry out of a feeling of guilt that they overburdened another with
their emotions. They apologize for causing an emotional imposition on the other
person. The feeling is that dealing with real emotions and feelings of
loneliness and pain are too intrusive and overburdening to push onto another.
Most people would rather just use counterfeit intimacy, perpetuated by a quick
emoji showing care, albeit from a distance.
Men cry out of a feeling of shame that they appeared weak and unmanly by
allowing themselves to appear vulnerable. The message absorbed from early on is
that men don’t show emotions. They have to be tough and deal with everything
“like a man”.
Although in our world crying is viewed as showing weakness, the Torah has
the opposite perspective. We are encouraged to feel the pain of others and to
empathize to the extent that we are able. Shedding a tear for the pain of
another is virtuous.
The Ponovezher Rav once entered the home of the Chofetz Chaim and became
alarmed when he heard piercing cries. The Chofetz Chaim’s wife reassured the
Ponovezher Rav that it was nothing out of the ordinary. A woman had been there
a few minutes earlier and had shared with the Chofetz Chaim painful details
about her life. After she left the Chofetz Chaim was davening and crying for
her.
The beauty of this story isn’t just about the incredible empathy and care
that the Chofetz Chaim felt for a Jew he hardly knew. It’s also that we share
the story as a value to aspire for.
At the beginning of Parashas Shemos, the Torah describes the development
of Moshe Rabbeinu into the future leader. Moshe left the comforts of the palace
to seek the welfare of his people. When he saw the bitter servitude they were
subjected to, he was crestfallen. The Medrash (Shemos 1:27) writes: “Moshe
would see their burdens and would cry and say, “Woe is me on account of you! If
only I could die for your sake”.” Part of the development of our greatest
leader was that he cried for his brethren.
We could fill volumes of stories of Jews who cried for each other, and
thereby offered a modicum of comfort. If nothing else, those suffering didn’t
feel alone.
At the Sheva Berachos I attended, the Kallah’s mother’s message was the
most memorable and meaningful part of the Sheva Berachos for me. It was genuine
and heartfelt, and it was inspiring how deeply she connected to the pain of Am
Yisroel. It was apparent that many others in the room were likewise moved by
her words. Her apology was not only unnecessary, but it was also out of place.
At most, she could have said “excuse me” for taking a moment to compose
herself. But to remind us of the need to feel each other’s pain, especially
that of Am Yisroel, an apology is never in order.
I can only say I’m sorry
that anyone would feel the need to apologize for demonstrating empathy with
tears.
Shabbat Shalom
& Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum