“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Vayetzei
11 Kislev 5784/November 24, 2023
FEEL IT
It’s part of the paradox of our times.
The more comfort, amenities, and conveniences we have, the more anxious and
depressed we seem to become. Despite all our technological advancements, we are
unable to predict or control the future and, despite what we have today, we
have absolutely no guarantees about tomorrow.
Many people invest great energy to
dull or escape feelings of emotional angst and pain. The danger is that
escaping pain requires increasing effort and doesn’t make the emotions go away.
By not dealing with the cause of one’s emotions, the issues become compounded.
Feeling negative emotions is often
quite unpleasant and that’s why most people desperately seek to avoid it. But
perhaps there’s another perspective to feeling one’s feelings that can make
them more tolerable.
I recently shared the following
analogy with a client who over time had developed negative habits to escape his
emotional pain and was trying to get himself back on track:
During the winter months my hands
become chapped very quickly. I have to put hand cream on my hands most nights
during the winter. If I don’t do so for a few nights, the back of my hands
becomes very red and extremely irritated.
At that point, when I finally put on
hand cream, the back of my hands immediately feels like they are burning. But
in a strange way, that pain actually feels good because I know it’s part of the
healing process. The stinging sensation means that it’s getting better.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham J Twerski related
that on one occasion while making rounds in the hospital, a patient told him
that he was feeling a lot of pain in his legs. Rabbi Dr. Twerski told the
patient that he would immediately call for additional pain medication. The
patient replied that this was the first time in ten years that he felt anything
in his legs. He wanted to feel every bit of the pain; it was the most beautiful
feeling he ever felt because it demonstrated that his feet were still “alive”
and hadn’t atrophied.
Feeling one’s pain is uncomfortable
but when one can recognize and acknowledge his pain and mental anguish and can
forge on despite the pain, it demonstrates maturity and is an integral part of
living.
In his powerful memoir, Out of the
Depths, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau recounts an experience he had a few months after
World War II ended. A 25-year-old acquaintance named Aaron Feldberg addressed
an assemblage and said the following:
"If you will allow me, I would
like to say a few words on behalf of my friends. We would like to thank you.
Not to thank you for coming, because we did not want this visit. Not to thank
you for the gifts, because we do not want them. We want to thank you for the
greatest gift of all, which we received from you just a few minutes ago, and
that is the ability to cry. When they took my father and mother, my eyes were
dry. When they beat me mercilessly with their clubs, I bit my lips, but I
didn't cry. I haven't cried for years, nor have I laughed. We starved, froze,
and bled, but we didn't cry. For the past few months, before and since the
liberation, I have had the feeling that I am not a normal person, nor will I
ever be. That I have no heart. That if I can't cry when I am supposed to, I
must have a stone in my chest instead of a human heart. But not any more. Just
now I cried freely. And I say to you, that whoever can cry today, can laugh
tomorrow, and he is a mentsch, a human being. For this I thank you.”
Feelings are very much a part of the
human experience.
We say that emotions are felt in the
heart even though emotions are actually processed in the brain. Intense
emotions are felt throughout the body. When we feel happy, our entire body
feels elevated, and we have a bounce in our step. Conversely, when we feel sad,
we feel a lack of energy and like we want to crawl up and be by ourselves.
Being that the heart pumps blood throughout the body, we say that emotions come
from the heart because they encompass our entire being.
Part of being human entails dealing
with all the different emotions we invariably feel. We can try to bury them and
hide from them, but they are still there beneath the surface and will subconsciously
gnaw at us. That doesn’t mean that we are subservient to our emotions and
cannot persevere despite them. But we still need to acknowledge them and allow
ourselves to feel them, because they are part of our reality.
As we pray, mourn and are deeply
pained by the plight of our fellow Jews in Eretz Yisroel, and particularly in
Gaza, we take comfort in knowing that the emotional pain we feel is itself part
of the comfort. The mere fact that our brethren’s pain hurts us so deeply
demonstrates that we are part of the most incredible nation on earth. That deep
collective emotion reminds us that we will prevail.
Shabbat Shalom
& Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
