“RABBI’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Vayigash
7 Teves 5782/December 10, 2021
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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל
GET OUT OF THE WAY
This
week the highest volcano on Indonesia's most densely populated island erupted,
sending smoldering debris and thick mud in all directions. The sudden eruption
spewed thick columns of ash more than 40,000 feet into the air, causing searing
gas and lava to flow uninhibitedly down its slopes. Several villages were
blanketed with falling ash and people were advised to stay over 3 miles from
the crater's mouth. At least 13 people died and 57 more were hospitalized,
including 16 in critical condition with burn injuries.
It was a
painful reminder of the deadly devastation a volcano can produce without
warning.
Early in
my educational career, I had the pleasure of being the school social worker in
Yeshiva Bais Hachinuch in Monsey. During those years, I conducted a weekly
social skills group with the fifth grade students about anger management.
One of
the strategies we discussed was the need to always be aware of one’s inner
temper. We may at times feel edgy, grumpy, or restless without recognizing that
such feelings make us more prone to angry flare ups. We would use an “anger
volcano” to measure where our inner “lava level” was in order to determine how
prone we might be to an eruption.
The
volcano model is very apropos. When a person loses his temper, he is in danger
of spewing harmful invective that can cause irrevocable damage. The words
screamed in a fit of rage can “overflow” quickly rapidly destroying whatever is
in its path, including self-esteem and quality of hard built relationships,
particularly of those he loves most. Of course, one can apologize and try to
patch things up, but once uttered, words can’t be retrieved.
During
those years in Bais Hachinuch, I had the privilege, along with Dr. Yitzy Schechter,
to co-author two pamphlets for parents. One was entitled “Anger: A guide for
parents”; the other was entitled “Communicating with our children.”
One of
the points that I stressed in my groups and in the pamphlet was that anger is a
normal and natural emotion. We can’t always control when we get angry and how
intense our anger will be. We can also learn a lot about our values and what’s
important to us by analyzing what triggers us and makes us angry.
On the
other hand, we are always responsible for how we respond and react when we are
angry. Even if one is furious or livid and even if his extreme anger might be
justified, there is never a valid excuse to act in a hurtful manner or say
hurtful comments. It is our responsibility to be in control of our anger, and
not allow our anger to consume us.
When I wrote
this idea in the pamphlet, a colleague suggested that such an approach might
not be in sync with Torah outlook. He noted that there are a few statements in
the gemara which equate anger with idolatry[1]. Therefore, perhaps we must
teach our students that they have to strive to never feel anger.
I was
skeptical and presented his point to a few Torah leaders. They all replied with
the same basic theme: We cannot teach children that they must eliminate all
anger. Such is the level of rare individuals, such as the great Hillel who
could not be provoked to anger (Shabbos 31a). But regarding the masses, we need
to convey that although anger is natural, we are always responsible and accountable
for our words and actions. When the gemara states that one who becomes angry is
like he served idolatry, it is referring to one who lost control because of his
anger and acted inappropriately as a result.
Rabbi
Ezriel Erlanger, mashgiach of Yeshivas Mir in Brooklyn, NY, noted that Pirkei
Avos is the barometer and guide for a Jew’s conduct and outlook. Since we do
not find in Pirkei Avos a demand that one never become angry, that indicates
that we do not aspire for such a lofty level, and certainly shouldn’t demand it
of our children. In fact, the mishna speaks of four different people who become
angry, lauding the person who doesn’t lose himself to his anger.
My
rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein, relates that his father-in-law, Rabbi Levin, was an
orphan who lived in the home of the Chofetz Chaim for a number of years. Rabbi
Levin would recount that, contrary to public opinion, the Chofetz Chaim had a
natural temper. The greatness of the Chofetz Chaim was that he maintained
complete control over his temper.
When the Chofetz Chaim felt the slightest tinge of anger
welling up within him, he would excuse himself and walk away from what was
angering him and would talk to himself: “Yisroel Meir, why are you becoming
angry? Yisroel Meir calm yourself.”
Only
when he felt calm enough, did he return to the provoking conversation or
situation. At times, he would excuse himself more than once, as long as the
feeling persisted.
It is
also related that the Chofetz Chaim would enter the Bais Medrash late at night
after everyone had left. One night, a student hid in the women’s section to
watch the Chofetz Chaim. He watched clandestinely as the Chofetz Chaim opened
the Aron kodesh and pleaded, “Master of the World, Yisroel Meir (referring to
himself) is a kohain. Please help me that I not lose my temper.”
It is worth
adding that the Ba’al HaTanya writes that one who has a natural temper, has an
inner fire. If he learns how to channel that energy and feistiness, he can
accomplish great things and serve Hashem and assist others, with passion and vibrancy.
We can’t
always squelch the anger within ourselves. But with effort and attention we can
ensure that we don’t become overwhelmed by anger, but always remain in the
emotional driver seat.
It takes
effort, but it can be done. Just imagine how much good could be generated if we
were able to channel the force of exploding lava into productive energy.[2]
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
[1] “One who tears his clothes, breaks his utensils, and destroys
his money in his rage should be in your eyes as one who commits idolatry” (Shabbos 105b).
[2] If anyone feels he/she could benefit from the pamphlet
about anger, please email me and I’ll be happy to send a PDF.