“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Matos-Masei
29 Tamuz 5781/July 9, 2021
Erev Rosh Chodesh Menachem Av – Shabbos Chazak
Avos perek 2
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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל
ROUTINE FEELING
I’m
considering writing a #1 New York Times Bestselling book. My hesitation is
because of my extreme humility I’m not sure I want to publish such a popular
bestseller. But if I do, i think it’ll be called “Two steps to Perfect
Relationships”. The fact that it doesn’t guarantee perfection isn’t important.
I’ve noticed that many other New York Times Bestsellers do not quite live up to
their grandiose and emphatic titles either.
In my
opinion, the first step towards great relationships is to create positive habits
that enhance the relationship. This includes doing things that deepen the
connection and refraining from engaging in behaviors which weaken the
relationship.
The
second step is to ensure the relationship is vibrant by investing it with
emotion and excitement, thereby ensuring that it doesn’t become stale. In other
words, it’s not enough to do what needs to be done, there must also be feeling
as well.
That’s
basically the book in a nutshell. The other three hundred pages would be giving
examples and building on those two principles.
Where
did I get these two ideas/components for a successful relationship from?
It is
axiomatic that in Judaism we don’t merely commemorate or mark historical
events. There is little purpose in celebrating or mourning the past. Rather, we
seek to re-experience and annually remind ourselves of the timeless lessons
that were manifest back then and continue to be relevant in our time.
The fasts
of Shiva Asar b’Tammuz and Tisha B’av are the bookends of the three-week period
of mourning for the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash.
One of
the five tragedies that transpired on Shiva Asar b’Tammuz was that the Korbon
Tamid - the first and last offering in the Bais Hamikdash each day - ceased
being brought. The Tamid was the symbol of consistency and routine. Its loss
marked the painful cessation of the spiritual routine of the daily avodah.
Prior to
the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash, the prophet Yeshaya tried to warn the
nation of the impending destruction that would occur if they didn’t improve
their sinful ways. We read Yeshaya’s reproof, from the opening chapter of Sefer
Yeshaya, during the Shabbos before Tisha B’av.
The
prophet conveys the painful message that Hashem was not pleased with our avodah
because it had become a matter of trite rote. The kohanim would perform the
avodah as a matter of duty, solely to fulfill their obligation. The emotional
connection, the feelings of love, yearning and striving had faded away. Hashem
informed the nation that He no longer was interested in their offerings. When
there is no heart or emotion, the avodah no longer pleases Hashem.
Rav
Moshe Weinberger recounts that the following scenario has repeated itself
numerous times throughout his years as a rabbi. A couple will come to meet with
him in his office because they are having issues with their marriage. The
husband will say that he doesn’t understand what is bothering her. He provides
well for her, buys her presents on her birthday, takes her on vacation, and
lets her buy whatever she wants. So what is she so miserable about? Meanwhile
she is holding a box of tissues and tears are flowing freely down her face.
Rabbi
Weinberger notes that the husband has totally missed the boat. Marriage isn’t
built on things and stuff; it’s about connection and relationship. All the
stuff and amenities in the world can’t buy the feeling of being cherished and
appreciated. It’s hard to convey that in words but that’s what is troubling
her.
Hashem,
as it were, has the same complaint against His beloved nation. Judaism isn’t
only about the number of mitzvos or the pages of gemara one learns. It’s also
about fueling a divine relationship and seeking to live a life of connection with
Hashem.
At Har
Sinai, Klal Yisroel declared “na’ase v’nishma - we will do and we will hear.”
Doing
refers to the actions one takes - the mitzvos, positive habits, routines and
rituals one performs in his service to Hashem. Hearing refers to developing a
deeper connection. Hearing the true will of Hashem, beyond the raw commandment.
Hearing is about connection and relationship.
The
three weeks of mourning begin with the loss of routine, which we mark on Shiva
Asar b’Tammuz. It culminates with Tisha B’av when the Bais Hamikdash was destroyed
because the spark of emotional connection became extinguished.
If we
internalize the message of these two fast days and work to strengthen our
positive habits and to infuse them with passion and emotion, we can be confident
that what was destroyed will be rebuilt.
These
are the “Two steps to Perfect Relationships” - in our marriages and friendships
and l’havdil with the divine.
By the
way, if you see my New York Times Bestseller on the shelves make sure to grab
it because it’s going to be gone faster than the two fasts upon which its main
idea is based.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum