“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Bo
9 Shevat 5781/January 22, 2021
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RATIFYING
THE CONSTITUTION
Last
week, the article I sent entitled, “The constitution of children at the Shabbos
table” seems to have really resonated. I was gratified that it was read and
forwarded many times. I also received numerous comments in response, the most
common of which was, “Do you have a video camera in our house on Shabbos? How
do you know about all the stuff that happens in our house on Shabbos?”
Although
I technically can only speak for myself, that never stopped me from speaking
for others as well. My sense is that many parents suffer from a parenting
inferiority complex. That coupled with our natural Jewish guilt makes for an
uncomfortable combination.
We know
the struggles we face in our own homes trying - sometimes more successfully
than others - to educate, discipline, guide, and not lose patience with our
children. For some silly reason we live under the false and silly notion that
all our neighbors have it down to a science and that their Shabbos table is the
epitome of holiness and chinuch.
If
nothing else, it’s incredibly validating to know that one is definitely not
alone in these struggles. Most likely, the neighbor’s kids also fight over who
sits where, and they too struggle to get their kids to help serve and clear.
But
wait, we think to ourselves! What about all those depictions of the beauty and
pristine holiness of the Shabbos table? What about the fact that ba’alei
teshuva have often recounted that they became Torah observant because they were
so enamored by experiencing a Shabbos meal? A friend of mine once jokingly, but
dolefully, quipped that if an irreligious person saw his family’s Shabbos table
- forget about becoming religious - he would probably want to leave Judaism
altogether.
Firstly,
we don’t appreciate the greatness of our Shabbos meals - struggles, frustrations
and all. In our society, most families hardly ever sit down to a meal together,
and when they do it’s with electronic distractions. The very fact that our
families sit together for two meals each week, without any electronic
distractions, discussing and sharing Torah thoughts and ideas, and hopefully
singing and laughing together makes it an invaluable gift, even with all of the
challenges that are par for the course.
A large
part of the guilt is the result of living under the delusions of the social
media effect. Everyone’s life is perfect on social media. On Instagram,
Snapchat and Facebook everyone is smiling, daily life seems dreamy, and
marriages and relationships are perfect. But it’s basically a big lie. No one
posts what their life is really like. Rather, they post what they want others
to think and what they wish their life was like.
In
addition, it has been noted that the biographies of our Torah leaders, despite
containing many factual inspiring and beautiful stories, are also guilty of
giving a faulty perception. The books are a snapshot of the glorious moments of
the lives of great people. However, they fail to depict and describe their
struggles and “bad days”. Those struggles are what makes them relatable and
makes them more inspiring, not less. But at times those depictions leave us feeling
like absolute failures.
When we
have impossible ideals such as perfection, we set ourselves up for inevitable frustration.
Life is challenging
and child-rearing is an ongoing struggle. But engaging in that struggle is the
most noble and important task we have in life. Our Shabbos tables are
incredible places, even if they aren’t as perfect as we would like them to be.
Tu B’Shvat
reminds us that the real fruit of our efforts is beyond what the eye can see. During
this minor holiday, we celebrate and express our gratitude to Hashem for the beautiful
variety of fruits that He created, despite the fact that it is still winter.
The trees are barren and there is no trace of the bounty that we know is to come
in a few short weeks.
Chinuch
too is a long-term endeavor. In the short-term there are numerous frustrations
and annoyances. So, we have to remind ourselves to look beyond what we see in
front of us. When the fruit is not yet ripe, one must remember that it’s a
process.
Not that
I would know yet, but I have been told that the day will come iy”H when I will
miss the squabbles and annoyances of our Shabbos table. My rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein,
quips that G-d pays back children by making them parents. That’s when the
former children get to deal with their own children’s constitution of the
Shabbos table. That’s the price we pay to produce beautiful fruits.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum