“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Terumah
3 Adar 5780/February 28, 2020
STAUM’S BROTHER
Growing
up, I always felt like I was living in my older brother, Yitzie’s, shadow. Our
personalities were quite different, and we didn’t look alike back then. But
that didn’t change the fact that I was “Staum’s brother”. I was two grades
behind him and often had rabbeim and teachers that he had.
When I
was a freshman in high school, he was a junior. When I came to Yeshiva on my
first day with an attache case, he wanted to disown me. Nevertheless, he did
take care of me, showing me the ropes, and protecting me from ‘freshie
bantering’ of older classmen. I can’t say I totally minded being in his shadow.
He was well-liked and appreciated for his sense of humor and gregariousness. I
was far more reserved, and it was helpful that people knew that I was Staum’s
brother. But at times it was hard living in his shadow.
After
high school, Yitzie went to learn in Eretz Yisroel. Before Pesach of his second
year there he returned home so he could plan where he would go after the
summer. For the final few months of that year he returned to Shaarei Torah,
where I was then a senior. I’ll never forget the day I overheard one person ask
who the new guy is and someone else replied, “that’s Staum’s brother!” It was
my moment of vindication. For a brief period, I was Staum, and Yitzie was “Staum’s
brother”.
This
past Shabbos I had the privilege to serve as a scholar-in-residence in the
U-City community in St. Louis, Missouri. My older brother - now known
affectionately as Rav Yitz - and his wife, Mrs. Racheli Staum, the menaheles of
a Girl’s elementary school, and their family live in Chesterfield, a suburb of
St. Louis.
They
graciously joined me in U-City and I was able to spend Shabbos with them. I
noted in one of my speeches the irony that now, over two decades later, I felt
it was a genuine privilege to be “Staum’s brother”, or rather, “Rabbi Staum’s
brother”. In the last few years we also have been told that we look alike.
I have
noted in this column that it’s a beautiful feeling to have nachas from one’s
parents. I should add that the same is true about having nachas from one’s
siblings. I was proud to be associated with my brother and sister-in-law,
master educators who are so involved, committed, and respected in their
community.
On the
flight home, I was thinking about it. Even years ago, when I was proud of my
older brother, I didn’t like always living in his shadow. What changed?
The most
obvious difference is that now we both live in our own communities and made our
mark individually.
But more
significantly, I think it’s because I have a far more secure sense of who I am
and have forged my own identity. Although I hope I am still growing as a person
and still have far more to accomplish, I have a much better sense of my
strength and weaknesses and what my capabilities are.
As
parents, we want our homes to be emotionally and spiritually embracing places
for each of our children. But that is no easy feat. It is amazing how different
siblings in the same family are. To make each child feel comfortable requires
constant thought and analyzation.
The
diary of Anne Frank has been read by millions of people throughout the world.
It is her private reflections about her own life and maturation while living
with her family in a hidden annex in her father’s factory to evade Nazi
persecution.
The
family was eventually caught and were sent to Concentration Camps. The only
survivor from the family was Otto, Anne’s Father. When he returned, he was
given Anne’s diary which he then read for the first time.
The
following are his reflections:
“I knew
that Anne wrote a diary. She spoke about her diary. She left her diary
with me at night in a briefcase next to my bed. I had promised her never to
look in. I never did.
“When I returned, and after I had the news that my
children would not come back, Miep gave me the diary, which had been saved by,
I should say, a miracle. It took me a very long time to read it, and I must say
I was very much surprised about the deep thoughts Anne had, her seriousness —
especially her self-criticism.
“It was
quite a different Anne [than] I had known as my daughter. She never really
showed this kind of inner feeling. She talked about many things, we criticized
many things, but what really her feelings were, I only could see from the
diary.
“And my
conclusion is, as I had been in very, very good terms with Anne, that most
parents don’t know, really, their children.”
I found
his reflection to be jarring and somewhat concerning. The only way we, as
parents, can try to meet the emotional needs of each of our children, is by
knowing them individually. We need to understand what motivates them, what
excites them, and what their attributes and struggles are. But all those things
require that we really know our children, who sometimes don’t know themselves,
and other times are very guarded, even from their own parents. As they reach
adolescence, the challenge only magnifies.
We need
to daven for divine assistance constantly, to have energy and patience despite
living in a fast-paced, merry-go-round like life, and that we have the insight
necessary to provide our children with what they need.
I hope
and pray that my children always be proud to be Staums’ brothers and sisters, a
feeling which stems from confidence in who they are and appreciation for the
differences and abilities of their siblings.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum